POSITION :
Mom, Mommy
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment. (haha, chaotic is often an understatement in our house!)
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. (Most us are lucky enough to do this after working all day)
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in
far away cities! (Long road trips to Carson City on a tour bus filled with giggly 4th grades and endless conversations all based on Hannah Montana)
Travel expenses not reimbursed. (vacation time from work is also used)
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5. (or a new Webkin, Power Ranger, Hannah Montana Trading Cards or a trip to Build a Bear)
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. ("I'm OK")
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects. (PTA, Sunday School and other Church activities as well)
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. (any ideas on a 10th birthday party...besides Build a bear...again!)
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next. (FYI...DO NOT refer to Alyssa as Peanut at school)
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility. (endless mountains of laundry, grocery shopping, lunch prep, diaper changing, baths, hair style (must look like Miley Cyrus),animal care for the zoo of animals my family has...oh..it's endless!
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth,
unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
